Disclaimer: By no means is my story to be taken as advice, only a guide to help individuals make their own decisions. In order to protect the innocent and the not-so-innocent alike, names will not be used.
Part I – The Hatchling
After a first semester at Purdue University that had me dating several young women, from an obsessive, to an old flame who was like an unyielding pilot light in a wind-swept furnace, to an unbeknownst-to-me engaged upperclassman, I found myself exactly where I began my first days of college, alone. In February of 1995, and in the never ending pursuit of fulfilling the desires of a young man, I met, through a matter of coincidence and happenstance, a young woman, L.
L was a breath of fresh air to me, as she was different than any other woman I had ever dated before. We both had similar personalities, senses of humor and intellectual interests. I could venture to say that for the two of us it was instant puppy love. After several nights of endless conversation and little sleep, we soon found ourselves to be an item as the second semester was quickly ending.
In retrospect, as the summer-break loomed, this ideally should have been the end of our relationship. I say this as we were both very young with a world full of opportunities that lay in front of us, but I believe we were blinded by the sense of being wanted. We were succumbed to the ever powerful lure of teenagers in love.
As summer came, I left for an internship in Los Angeles and L stayed in Indiana. Thus we diligently and religiously kept in contact over that summer to preserve that young flickering flame. When I returned for my sophomore year, we quickly picked up where we had physically left off the year prior. While the fall semester progressed we became more inseparable, to the point where our friends felt slighted and my individuality became blurred.
Soon, I fell into my crutch-like ways of depending on L to guide the ship and I following her footsteps.
(For back story, I surmise that I basically went to Purdue because my father and brother had gone there. In my mind, Purdue was the only option and in reality, I had applied only there and Rose Hulman as a back-up. This was regardless of the academic scholarships I had received from New Mexico State University and Penn State University. And as I entered Purdue’s College of Engineering, I was required to declare my intended major of Chemical Engineering, which trail had already been blazed by my brother.)
Early in my second year, I learned that Chemical Engineering was not suited for me, or vice versa. In hindsight, I am amazed that I personally decided to leave that academic field for my own reasons, yet I am not surprised that I quickly relied on L to find my new calling of Civil/Environmental Engineering. (As an aside, I am truly interested in the field of Environmental Engineering, but perhaps as I frequently realize due to job related challenges, it is not my calling – this will likely be expounded upon in Part 3). So, it could be coincidence or my flaw of following that I ended up in the field I still practice today.
In addition to my changes in academics, I eventually began to lose my own extracurricular persona. Being smitten and eager to spend as much time with L, I joined many social and service groups that she either already belonged to or was thinking about joining. In essence, I was tailoring my beliefs and personality to fit someone else’s agenda.
I now recognize that my actions were wrong, and that part of the relationship was completely my fault. Altering one’s self to be more “attractive” to one’s partner is not how a relationship should be based. Your partner should take you as you are, therefore I shouldn’t have changed myself to maintain the relationship. I should have left the relationship to maintain my identity (This thought will likely be played again in Part 2, but from my interpretation of another’s point of view – as an FYI, I’ve learned a lot by letting those I’ve loved go, and by being the loved one that was let go).
Eventually, another summer had passed, and then it almost seemed like we spent more time apart than together. For a few summers, I was interning in Los Angeles, and L became part of a cooperative program where she was working in Indianapolis for a semester, then in school the next, etc. Although we had been dating for almost three years, I would suspect the last two years we were only physically together for at most half that time.
If it wasn’t for my need to be wanted, and not to be alone or “looking”, I don’t think the relationship would have survived. I believe we both functioned well without each other because to me there was always that feeling of security because I had a “relationship net” to catch me if I fell. And since we did not see each other often, when we were together, our times were great. It was like we were catching up, reconnecting or cramming lost time into a finite space.
Using this on-again, off-again method, I believe we extended our relationship far longer than it should have lasted, which eventually became my personal downfall. Graduation was coming and the deep dark abyss of the future was looming large on the horizon. To be honest, I was scared to death of what I was going to do after graduation. I had nary a clue of what I wanted to pursue, so I fell on my fatal flaw, I turned to footsteps that had gone before me.
My father and brother had both attended graduate school, so that became a given for me. My next action on an August evening in 1997 signaled the worst singular decision I have ever made in my life (Yet, in a cause and effect way, it has eventually led to my greatest triumphs…). Desperate to avoid venturing into the unknown post-graduate world alone, and what seemed like taking the next logical step in a relationship, I asked L to marry me (My brother had married a lovely woman at a young age, why couldn’t I?). L gleefully accepted and an unstoppable force was soon set into motion that neither of us could derail until it came crashing down in an unfathomably painful end.
At that time, I thought I had figured it all out and that I was the envy of all my peers. I knew my career path and I had a fiancé, but in reality, I hadn’t made these choices because I let the situation choose me. I was too frightened to end a long term relationship, so I asked her to marry me. I was too scared of the post-graduate unknown, so I let my father, brother and L’s choices lead the way.
Both L and I decided to attend graduate school, and after graduation, I moved down south to attend Texas A&M for my master’s, while L finished up her bachelor’s degree due to her co-op work (I was offered positions at Clemson, Texas, Texas A&M and Purdue, and how much do you want to bet that A&M was not my first choice?). Yet again, L and I were separated by a vast distance, but this time our communication was no longer as diligent as our early love days.
While in Texas, I met a lot of people. Some good guys, some questionable. Some nice women, and some unbelievable beautiful ones. For the first time in a long time, I had a good time alone, but there was always my safety net. Before long, the wedding day was fast approaching. Soon winter break was upon us, and I was in Indiana for our wedding day. When L and I met again, I couldn’t quite place it at the time, but it just didn’t seem right. I think both of us knew subconsciously that this was a bad idea, but like I said, the unstoppable forces were in motion. Invitations had been sent, dresses hemmed, reception halls booked and meals catered. A lot of non-refundable money had been spent and I thought I needed my safety net, so to my mind, the dye had been cast.
L and I were wed on December 27, 1998 rather spectacularly with the church adorned in Christmas regalia; however, frankly, I remember little or none of the actual day. After a much underutilized honeymoon to the south coast of Spain (Malagá, Fuengirola, etc. – My word would I like to relive that trip!), we began our married life deep in the heart of Texas. Like most young couples, I think we experienced the tribulations that were to be expected. What I did not expect was the vast difference of how it used to be with us seeing each other in cycles, to us seeing each other every day. This leads to my firm belief that all engaged couples need to live together for at least 6 months, regardless of perceived religious beliefs and feelings from parents (That alone probably would have woken L and I up to the fierce reality of our relationship).
To dull a razor sharp knife I sometimes still feel in my back, I will politely redact most of the end of my and L’s relationship. To be brief, L chose a unilateral course to end our marriage with no regard to how I felt. There was no counseling, no opportunity for me to voice my opinions; she ended the marriage on her terms alone.
In conclusion of Part 1, L and I had plenty of good times during our 5 ½ year relationship, and when I remember L, I choose to remember those times, and not the times that drew the final curtain.
To which I ask, should we have married? I would respond a resounding no. Was it all her fault? No, I share responsibility for not following my head and heart, and yielding to guilt, perception and my inherent desire to not be a failure.
Yet, I learned a lot about myself, relationships and overall human nature from our marriage, which next led to my unprecedented period of independence and self reliance that inexcusably and somewhat inevitably brought me right back to my fatal flaws.
