Cruise Chronicles: Imagination Day 2 - In Search of Gilligan's Isle

Prior to going on the cruise, Ana and I wanted to watch each sunrise. Too make a long story short that never happened. Not because we weren’t awake (our internal clocks are set to a waking baby at 6 a.m.), but because our bed was soooooo comfortable. Having fresh high thread count sheets every day, your bed made in the morning and turndown service at night spoiled me rotten. Plus, breakfast served in bed with the deep azure Caribbean Sea splashing outside your window made for some lazy mornings. Each morning started with a light breakfast of bagel, lox and cream cheese with coffee for me and tea for the misses. Why couldn’t we bring our cabin steward home with us?!?

Room with a View

Learning from previous cruises, we knew that the main dining room was open to all guests for a formal breakfast, so we would typically have breakfast in bed at 6, and breakfast in the Pride Dining Room at 9. No wonder I gained 8.5 pounds on the trip, and why by the 5^th day my pants weren’t so roomy anymore. Time to head back to the gym…

Alas, we went to our second breakfast, where you are randomly seated with other cruisers. In the past, this has been a somewhat quiet affair, but not this day. We were stuck across from each other between two families, which should never have happened because if people followed proper dining etiquette, you always sit to the left of your lady. But judging by these morons, etiquette to them is raising their pinkie when they sip their Boone’s Farm Strawberry Wine.

As we were eating, we eavesdropped on our fellow cruiser’s conversations (how couldn’t we!). We overheard an awful previous cruise experience had by the unfortunate couple to my right. On their last cruise, they were tendered to an island (similar to how we were tendered on Day 4) and while on the island, a fierce storm developed. The seas were so rough that the guests could not be tendered back to the cruise ship. Roughly 1,000 guests were stuck on a deserted isle with minimal food, as lunch had already been served, and little protection from the elements. They told of guests hoarding food and blankets, bickering, fighting and overall dreadful sleeping conditions. The real injustice was that many had left their medications on the ship. Finally, after 24 hours, they were able to return to the ship where they received complimentary beverages, their cruise reimbursed and a future cruise for free! I think I could sweat it out on an isle for a night if I knew I’d be getting freebies! Yet, I feel for those who were probably sunburned, missing medication and overall frightened. Just thinking of terrified children makes me queasy. Would this be our fate on Half Moon Cay? Stay tuned for Day 4…

Now to my left, another equally disturbing situation was unfolding, yet not from a past cruise experience, but because of a righteous asshole. Making casual conversation with the elderly lady on my left, I noticed a red faced bespectacled buffoon lambasting the wait staff about the “consistency” of his eggs. “I ordered these poached! These are all runny!” he bellowed at the poor Filipino waiter, who apologetically removed the plate and took them back to the kitchen. Before leaving our sight, we noticed that the eggs were indeed poached, and slightly runny, AS POACHED EGGS SHOULD BE YOU INBRED IDIOT! And speaking of inbred, I learned that the ill-tempered ass was on vacation with his wife and his elderly parents, who wouldn’t even acknowledge his tirade over something so insignificant as the style of his eggs. It appeared they were terrified and/or mortified of his behavior. Later the waiter returned with “poached” eggs to order, which looked eerily similar to hard fried…This would not be my last encounter with this man, not by a long shot.

Me Looking Incredibly Chapel Hill-ish

Having completed my dual breakfast with a tasty dish of Eggs Benedict, Ana and I braved the Sea of Flesh, and made our way to the Verandah Deck for some sunbathing. Now, by no stretch of the imagination, I am no bo-hunk. I’m a 32 year old fun loving guy, who has eaten too many tacos and had too many beers in my past, yet, it was vacation, so I was game to blind my fellow cruisers with my 200 watt skin. We found two chez lounges on the balcony deck, as far as possible from the skinny, tan, drunk crowd, and relaxed between two Hawaiian Tropically-tan ladies. With us between them, it probably looked like a Double Stuff Oreo, with us as the pasty white cream filling!

Feeling the effects of the sun, I decided to brave the “fun” crowd and go down one level to the pool and hot tub. I immediately jumped into the pool in a veiled attempt to hide my “Truffle Shuffle” belly (By the way Ana has a video of my doing the Truffle Shuffle from the movie Goonies on the beach at Half Moon Cay. Decidedly, you will not see that video on this blog). Once I hit the water, I realized this was not pool water, but cool, salty sea water. As Ana put it, “It’ll give you a good nose enema.” Shivering, I jumped out of the pool and quickly slid into the hot tub, which was then quickly vacated by the other guests. Did I forget deodorant? While I lazed in the warm water, feeling the sun beat down on my face until I noticed three Barbies standing by the hot tub. Feeling thirteen (i.e., awkward about my appearance), I exited the hot tub and returned to Ana on the Verandah. As I sat down, she smiled at me and said “Those girls go in and soon as you got out!” I’m glad Ana likes my appearance.

Undeterred, I looked at Ana and said, let’s go down the waterslides! Back in October of 2007, the Imagination had a 55 million dollar upgrade, which included the installation of a water park on the rear of the ship. What a kids’ paradise. There were two “racing” slides, and a 4 story twisty curvy tube slide. I immediately gravitated towards the huge slide and begged Ana to watch me like I was a 5 year old trying to impress his mom. I patiently waited my turn, and then finally made it to the top. It had been decades since my last water slide experience, and the thought of twisting down a tube 4 stories above the 12^th deck of a cruise ship slicing through the Caribbean was like a daydream. I braced myself, slid into the tube and immediately felt my swim trunks slide right up my backside, which felt like a different kind of “nose enema.” The ride was bumpy, scratched my back, but damn, it was awesome. I pleaded with Ana to do it but the sight of me pulling my shorts out of my back-crack probably deterred her from enjoying that stimulating experience.

Water Slides!

From there, we changed clothes and decided to, what else, go eat! We had our formal lunch again in the Pride Dining Room, and were seated with a family from Canada. The lunch was uneventful save for the Canadian conversation. We resisted the urge to make small talk with them about hockey, as Ana and I are huge Hurricanes fans. I thought it would be too cliché to discuss hockey with a Canadian, yet, what else would there be to talk about? Moose? Snow? Strange Brew? Anyways, we sat back, listening (we love to people watch) to the teenage girl talk to her mother about an island that was off in the distance. Her voice rose and said “I see land. That must be Cuba!” I looked out the window and saw a small island, oh, the size of Gilligan’s Island that had a single water tower on it. Now, I know Cuba is impoverished but I also know it is about the size of Florida and surely would have more than one measly, rusted water tower I smirked my pompous smile, and thought, girl, we are about 200 miles north of Cuba, plus we are traveling southeast and you are looking northeast. Even if you could see 200 miles into the distance, you are still looking out the wrong side of the boat, Blondie. As an aside, her boyfriend, who had Blondie’s mom as a third wheel (how romantic) ordered sushi, and promptly peeled the seaweed, ate the rice and left the filling. Guess that is a Canadian Roll.

After lunch, we cruised (bad pun) to the Xanadu Lounge on the Promenade Deck to attend the Art Auction. On our last cruise, the auctioneers were two sweet gents from South Africa. Prior to the auction, they decided to hold a raffle to win free art. To win raffle tickets, you had to answer trivia questions about South Africa, and the catch was you could never have visited the Rainbow Nation. Fair enough. I’d never been to the ZA, but boy, do I know a lot about that land. Needless to say, we got all the questions right (e.g., hippopotamus, Mandiba, Boers, etc.), and the raffle was loaded in our favor. We eventually came away with two lovely pieces that now reside above our fireplace and in Kendal’s bathroom.

Xanadu Lounge - Promenade Deck

Unfortunately, we had no such cosmic luck on this cruise. However, unlike the last cruise, people were actually bidding on the art! One Russian man bid approximately $20,000 on several original works by Anatole Krasnyansky, who paints in a distinctive bold color style specializing in hiding faces in his work. It was nice, but not $20,000 nice… There were a few original art works by a Miami pop artist that we liked, however, they were in the $1,200 to $2,000 range, which we could not justify purchasing. Maybe one day.

Krasnyansky's Work

After the art auction, we made our way back to the Dynasty Lounge for the Captain’s Cocktail Party. This party is a precursor to the formal dinner night, so Ana and I were decked out in our best. This for me meant I was wearing one of Dad’s old suits that just happened to be 100% wool. Trust me, wool is not something I’d advise wearing in the Eastern Caribbean. Although I looked dapper, I was more suited for an executive business meeting in December, and not a lobster dinner on a cruise ship in May.

The cocktail party was quaint, but really not note worthy save for the 5 free drinks I managed to slam down in 45 minutes. Five drinks on a cruise ship is about $30, so if you know my coal to diamond penny pinching antics, I was not going to let this pass by. After the party, we were immediately escorted to our formal lobster dinner in the Spirit Dining Room. As with my last lobster cruise dinner, it was lackluster. Dry, overcooked lobster that tasted as if it was freshly caught last week, flash frozen then trucked 1,800 miles to Miami where it sat in the ship’s freezer on dry ice for another 36 hours.

For dinner, I dined on:

• Tiger Prawn Cocktail
• Caesar Salad again (maybe, I can’t remember for sure)
• Broiled Lobster Tail with Melted Butter
• Warm Melting Chocolate Cake with Vanilla Ice Cream

Sated from an overhyped uncomfortably woolen meal, we made our way back to the Dynasty Lounge to watch the stage show America! The show was a tribute to all songs that had to do with cities or locations in the United States, plus a show stopping rendition of Coming to America by Neil Diamond. I know somewhere in Kentucky, Rob is salivating as I type this. The show was utterly corny, the singing was haphazardly done by a Wayne Brady look-a-like, and a woman who fancied herself Beverly D’Angelo from the Vacation movies. Her voice was so smoky she sounded like she had swallowed the entire ashtray. Alas, there were a few shining stars that included a dance couple from Russia who were amazing, and a showgirl Ana and I later met who was phenomenal. She showed grace and controlled movements, but perhaps our view was skewed as she was the only one with a dancer’s body (i.e., had shoulder blades and abs).

The show ended around 9:45, which is customarily around our bedtime, so off to those turned down sheets we headed!

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