Cruise Chronicles: Imagination Day 3 - Moderation Tastes Better

On the third day, we awoke to calm, tranquil seas as our ship was easing its way to the dock at the island of Grand Turk. Having been at sea for two days, I was glad to finally be back on terra firma. Not because sea sickness was having its way with me, but because I was adding a new country to my list (Spain, Mexico, Bermuda, Bahamas and now Turks and Caicos)! Also, this stop was the halfway mark and Ana’s emergency exit to the United States. Prior to leaving on the cruise, we wanted an itinerary that included an airport mid-way through the cruise in case Ana was too homesick for Kendal to continue. Our original plan was to cruise to Bermuda, where I had a lovely time back in June of 2005, because they have a direct flight to Raleigh, but that cruise was too long for Mama to stomach (8 days, 7 nights, compared to our more modest 6 days, 5 nights).

Finally moored to the dock, Ana and I were some of the first people off the boat thanks to early nights and earlier mornings. We were greeted to a comfortable 80 degree day, and not a trace of humidity in the air, as well as the traditional Tax and Duty free shop you conveniently had to walk through to get on the island proper. But, it really didn’t feel like we were on the island because the port had recently been constructed by Carnival Cruise lines and had all the trappings of a tourist spot. We dallied for a moment in the shops and then found our excursion “director” who collected our tickets and led us to our bus. Like all island destinations, Ana and I are suckers for a good snorkel. That being said, Grand Turk is world renowned for its scuba diving and magnificent reefs. So on to the bus we went, where we were of course greeted by another Haitian driver. Let’s recap from the first bus experience: 1. Say something unintelligible; 2. Drive haphazardly to our destination; 3. Say something unintelligible; 4. Say in perfect English “I am not an employee of the cruise line…”; 5. Hold hand out for tip. Rinse and repeat.

I am not an employee of the cruise line, but I play one on TV

That unpleasantry completed, we stood on Governor’s Beach eager to snorkel and relax, but not before we got the worst welcome and snorkel instruction in the history of mankind. The girl wouldn’t look anyone in the eye, and spoke with an accent so thick you could slice it. At one point it was bad enough that someone in the crowd asked her to repeat herself. So, she started all over from the beginning. Egads, woman! At least we’d snorkeled before and were familiar with the equipment…

We grabbed some chez lounges and walked down the beach some to a nice shady spot with a magnificent view of the ocean. The water was teal blue until about 200 yards out, where the water went a stunning deep blue. We’d known prior from my nerdy internet research that the ocean floor dropped off to a depth of 7,000 feet just off shore! Our instructor reiterated this fact and told us “Don’t go swim out der man, or joo go down to da bottom.” Apparently the laws of physics don’t work 600 feet offshore.

Having secured our perfect spot, we walked down the beach a few hundred feet per the instructor’s direction to a rocky location on the ocean floor. As we arrived, people were milling around in circles wondering where this mysterious rocky spot was. Someone said they’d walked down the beach and back and saw no rocks to be spoken of. Well, I thought, did you perchance happen to notice the rocks beneath the waves? For one, you cannot snorkel on land, so the rocks would be in the water, and two, were you expecting Gibraltar to be poking out of the surf beckoning you to explore her crags?

Our Pristine View on Grand Turk

Bemused, I donned my gear and was braced by the not-so-equatorial cool waters. Meanwhile, Ana was stowing our packs near a nice, elderly woman who had no intention of getting into the water, and who was quite alarmed at the number of sunburned people from our ship. I guess a long previous day at sea with innumerable drinks served in coconut shells, plus the fact most people can’t reach the middle of their backs, made for some startlingly painful looking sunburns. I believe the Crayola name for it is magenta.

Ana and I swam around the reef, and personally, I was not too impressed. Most of this reef had long since died (probably because of the straight piped toilets to the bay!) leaving little habitat for fish. We saw a few neat schools here and there, as well as some shipwreck debris (i.e., mast timbers, a rudder and I saw a pot! Ooh, a pot). However, nearing the end of the snorkel, Ana spied a rather peculiar looking fish that was camouflaged with the sea floor. Ana approached the fish for a picture, and all of a sudden its tail fanned and revealed a beautiful shade of purple, most likely warning Ana to keep her distance. Unlike Ana’s previous wildlife encounter with a Road Runner in Anza Borrego, she respected the fish, took its picture and swam away. Good thing she did, as the fish was a Scorpionfish, which has poisonous barbs running down its spine…

We eventually made our way back to our lounges, where I decided to redeem our tickets for our complimentary rum punch. Woo hoo, free drinks! Not really, as they were included in our excursion price, and I wouldn’t exactly call them drinks. They were served in 4 ounce Dixie cups filled to the brim in ice, and more watered down than the ocean in front of us. Unsatisfied, I made my way back to shack, and asked for a Turk Head beer, which is the national beer of the Turks and Caicos. I read about this beer prior to the trip, and was jazzed to knock another beer off my list. I was not unsatisfied this time. The beer was like a hepped up version of Corona, both crisp and refreshing, yet with a punch. Also, their government warning is unlike the States, where alcohol hurts babies and wrecks lives. Their motto is “Moderation Tastes Better.” I like that. Also, a funny thing happened when I ordered a beer, he gave me a half empty capped bottle. Um, no. He gave me another and this one was ¾ full. Um, no again. Finally, he gave me a full to the top bottle. Apparently they have bottling issues at the brewery, or it was the fact that they were all reusable/refillable twist offs, which I have never seen before. Eh, when in Rome.

Turk's Head Beer

Returning back to our spot, I was dismayed to find that some ditzy couple had parked their lounges right in front of us. The beach was at least a half mile long, and these two numbnuts blocked our view! I imagine I need to lighten up, but you know I didn’t. They got into the water, and while Analee was back snorkeling, hunting for worn glass, I moved their seats. Soon after, another couple asked me to watch their stuff while they snorkeled a few hundred feet down the beach. “Sure” I said, but heck, I’m on vacation and not going to be tied to my seat while they frolic, just so I can protect their packs of Marlboro Reds. I watched them walk down the beach, and once they got in the water, I joined Ana to help her hunt for glass and seashells. No one was ever the wiser.

Once Ana got a good collection of glass, enough to make a trivet or tile, we boarded the bus back to the ship. Rinse and repeat. We quickly showered, changed clothes and went to the Lido deck for a fast lunch where instead of hitting the buffet, we decided to try the made to order deli. Being a sucker for a sandwich, I was salivating for a hot pastrami on rye. While we waited our turn, the girl in front of us wretched and open mouth coughed all over the food station! Luckily our food was already prepared and grilling, but this hooch didn’t have the decency to cover her skank troll mouth before hurtling unknown diseases onto the condiments. Grossed out, I managed to eat my lunch, and we made our way back to the island for some shopping.

Our Ship at the Grand Turk Dock

We went from shop to shop, but always seemed to return to this one shop that specialized in pearl/coral necklaces. Ana found a beautiful pearl necklace, but being the fashion butterfly, she had to have matching earrings. She set the staff on a wild chase to find earrings to match the pearl necklace, but amazingly they had none to offer. They tried to get her to buy some earrings that somewhat matched, but my SATC girl would have nothing of it. Right about this time, I realized that Mother’s day was on the horizon, and that although we agreed the cruise would suffice as a gift, I knew this not to be true. I had to keep my eyes peeled for a gift, and to find the time to buy one without her knowing…

From here, we sauntered over to the Jimmy Buffet Margaritaville Bar. Ah, commercialism. The place was packed with scantily clad patrons, and the pool was a venerable sea of skin and sexed out drunkards. Not exactly my spot, nor a place for my pregnant wife, yet, I wanted another Turk Head beer. We finally were served at the bar, and low and behold, they didn’t carry Turk Head. One would think a Grand Turk bar would carry the national beer, but heck no. Eh, when not in Rome.

After a few more shops and another run through the pearl necklace store, we went back to the ship and Ana napped for a few hours while the ship sailed to sea. I ended up watching some horrid Scooby Doo cartoon about Vampire Rock, but at least it was in English. Awake from the nap, we received our tickets for the Previous Guest Party in the Dynasty Lounge, where I once again took full advantage of the free bar. I think that evening I partook in a witches brew of red wine, a margarita, a martini, some blue concoction and a whiskey sour. I’m sure my liver and stomach had thought I’d lost my mind.

Feeling like a kite in a strong breeze, we met our tablemates for dinner in the Spirit Dining Room. During dinner, we found out that our tablemate, Cary, whose wife was coincidentally named Carrie, was chosen via a karaoke contest to be the Elvis Presley impersonator during the Friday after dinner show. Cary told me they were holding the Frank Sinatra and Elton John auditions that night, and maybe, just maybe if I had enough free drinks in me I’d be game to give Old Blue Eyes a run for his money…

For dinner, I dined on:

• Salmon Truffle – disgustingly presented, but tasty
• Caesar Salad
• Caribbean Jerked Pork Loin
• Some desert – I had had a lot of free drinks, so my mind is a little fuzzy on this one.

After dinner, we retired to the Dynasty Lounge for a Gameshow Trivia event, and settled in for another rousing dance routine until…”Oh God, did the boat lurch? Oh man, I don’t feel so hot. Did the boat hit an iceberg?” The Revenge of the Witches Brew hit me. Oh, and that witch hit me hard. I quickly made a staggered path to our room to flop into bed. Old Blue Eyes crown would remain safe from this usurper, and apparently, moderation does taste better.

Day 3 Towel Creature...Hmmm

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